Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.
Psalm 62:5

 My husband is clueless.

I love him with all my heart, and I thank God daily (well, most days, anyhow!) for bringing us together.  But there are times when he is just clueless and borders on, well, stupidity.  Especially when it comes to me.

This has not been a good month.  For most of the past two weeks, I’ve felt that monster of depression creeping up again.  I’ve been more tired than normal.  I’ve been lazy and unmotivated.  Not that I have nothing to do.  I have a LOT to do, I just don’t see why I should do it.  I’ve been cranky, which is probably a huge understatement.

All of these things are signs we have seen in the past when a depression episode is coming up.  My husband noticed the crankiness.  How could he not when often in the past couple of weeks I have nearly taken a bite out of him just for asking, “What’s for dinner?”  But that was all he saw.  When I told him last night that I have been feeling down and worthless, the look on his face told me this was all news to him.

That did not help me to feel any better.  It was like we live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, share the same meals, but nothing more.  Like my own husband doesn’t notice me at all.  Not exactly a depression buster.

My Bible study has fallen away since the depression started to take root.  I just don’t FEEL like reading my Bible lately.  This morning, though, I just felt that I NEEDED to do it.  The study I’ve been doing is Stormie Omartian’s The Power of a Praying Wife.  In the prayer and study guide for it, one of the passages suggested to read was Psalm 62:5.  The question that went along with it was, “Are there any expectations you have of your husband that he is not living up to?” (The Power of  A Praying Wife Study Guide, page 18).  Yes, I guess there are expectations.  I expect John to at least notice that something is going wrong with me.  And in some ways, I suppose that I expect he will somehow make the problems better.

“Find rest, O my soul, in GOD alone.”  Not in my husband, in my GOD.  He alone can comfort my hurting spirit right now.  Sure, John can help to ease some of my burdens by helping more with the children and not expecting perfection out of me.  Yet even if he does these things, without leaning fully on God, nothing inside of me is going to change.  I can’t expect John to ease every hurt that comes my way.  But I can expect that of God. 

That is what God wants to do for me.  He doesn’t want me to feel so down on myself.  After all, He created me with his own hands.  He loves me now, He loved me before I knew Him, He loved me 2000 years ago when He allowed His son to die in my place.  He wants me to take my pain and hurt to Him, lay them at His feet, and fully receive His peace and comfort.

Hmmm….  Maybe it is not my husband who has been the clueless one.